When I lift my skin and smell—nothing.

everything is a lot to me .
see how strange i can seem
it's so over . the human experience is tiring
i gave away one of my dispos . guess who was hitting it
what a joke
like just shut up ! people are always prying at me
with crowbars and enticing me with treats
it's so annoying . i know you don't really care at all
it doesn't matter . i want to better myself anyways
going to work all day tomorrow and the rest of today after
i eat lunch . having lo mein today .
and cancel my plans with friends
i hate when people feel obliged to check on me
you don't have to do anything at all
i hate when they do !!
even worse when they make up an excuse to not
everyone's characters are clear as day and they are
vile , vain people who pretend to be virtuous
to soothe their own ego .
get out ! get out of my life and go
i have too many things to do


i had a peach tea today . i found it very bitter due to the orange rinds
that were added . i tried it hot and cold . it was nicer hot
it was the first tea that i could properly taste .. smelt like mango
might be my favorite , though . ninety percent sure my brain is developing now

last day in my home in honduras .
tomorrow at six am i will leave for a hotel hours away -
the day after i shall take a ferry and finally leave on a plane
my weed gets here the fifth? school starts the day after
i have lots of packages waiting for me at home ...

my heart is swelling with a feeling that i an unable to describe
had my last bath and matcha latte already ...
there's a private pool at the hotel ! i´m excited
i want to tan that whooole day
i need to rebleach my hair ... my underdye is gone
and new earrings . one is silver because i had to replace a gold one that i lost
i have no qualms with my life ; had i realized sooner that my perspective was skewed
i wouldn´t have wasted so much breath expressing how i felt
 

terribly homesick tonight . felt oddly religious ...
found myself like antonietta meo offering up more pain to god ,
so i laid on my wound by
torturing myself with looking at pictures of my father
and desperately messaging him that i missed him
i cried so much in the shower that i ended up scaring someone when i thought i was home alone !!
so mortifying
i'm not as depressed and totally hopeless about my life now that i'll get out of 
this excuse for a country (that i still hold dear ; albeit only in small morsels at a time) soon enough .
finding myself excited for school and renouncing a lot of parts of myself entirely
i cut my hair short .. it's healthy now . i look a little like joan of arc if she had a diffuser .
my mother agreed when i said that earlier . a little egoistic to repeat it now
she believes i look like my girlfriend ... although i can't see it .
she tried to coax me into confessing something before she left
she has this entire trip . i mean , i believe that trying to get me to meet your one
lesbian friend and giving me the "i'll always love you" peptalk has made it clear
i'm pretty sure my entire family knows i'm a lesbian now
but that happened a while ago and it's a little awkward to speak on it now
i'm still so confused on how my brother found out
my mother is asleep on the couch after a night out with her sister
i can't tell if she's drunk or anything but she did the same thing last night too
i thought she didn't drink ? i might've been wrong . women in this family love
changing all their ideals when most convenient ... i know i do
remembering my father i realize he'll find me gawdy for cutting it (my hair ...)
he always sees right through me !
i miss him a lot . one moment i was moping around
and another i was listening to one of my favorite argentinian rock albums that i shared with him
i can't decide if i want to continue smoking weed or not . maybe over next school break ?
only seven more days here . then school starts in two more . nerveracking !
i have a class with her this year , and another with my best friend so i'll be fine
this girl i hate is in my ap spanish lang class ... but this girl i respect is also in there
fate knows exactly how to tie my hands together and leave me subdued like
a sedated animal
NEED TO DO MY SUMMER HOMEWORK !!

ummm
decided i'll shut up . i'm too unhappy with myself
and everyone is unhappy with me too .
my self hatred doesn't do much except
for leave me in a state of rigor mortis ..
stiff , cold , and unable to take any action in life
messed up the color of my hair today
saw my grandmother and my deaf friend
they kept me company when i was losing my mind
last time i was in honduras ..
i have a serious issue with bicycles
everytime i try to learn how to ride one i always just
end up panicking
i'm so embarrassing . she probably thinks the same !
i've been crying all day today .
i wish i could either :
go home
or have a little pet
or an ice cream cone .
i want to go home the most

 NO MORE WEED
AFTER I GET OUT OF THIS BATH
i'm gonna do all my summer homework
and try to get my mom to fucking proctor my test
i'm being so fucking weird
90% sure she and her friends hate my guts
my mom justshowed me a lesbian flag bathing suit i think it's over for me
whatever
no more weed !!!!!!!!
my laptop is about to die
who even cares
... not anyone that i know
no one is able to see me as clearly
as i'd thought they'd be
or as she did
maybe the whole antisocial thing might work out after all
who am i even talking about ??
i had a nice matcha drink today
so i don't feel as bad as i probably should
i just need to read and shut up !!!
i'm too loud and self centered 
honduras always makes me feel terrible if i don't get out

an excerpt from the waves that i like 
too attached to rhoda so far ...

 i think i am under the influence (?)
it's likely
anyways
today went fine . need to sober up soon and get things together
i don't know if this is appropriate to talk about , but mari has been eating away at me
something about weed makes me feel righteous

this is bugging me SO BAD 
flight at 4pm   /?
fuuuuuuuuckk me
as in like i have a raging boner and
also that i'm seriosly fucked
calling my girldeiwnd right now she
was at my house like yesterday
i feel bad i ate an edible  and passed out
we had to fuckl the next morning
i feel bad about it
i didnlt even do that good
or get off
i can;t wait to buy more weed after these three weeks in honduras
it'll b e like a dopamine cleasne
fuuuuck my dick is so hard
i'ma girl btw
can you tell that i feel bad ?

my favorite type of tomatoes are in season !! lucky me .
with all this free time i'm not sure what to doooo
i'm helping a teacher that i ta for set up her classroom for some community service hours next week .
and then the week after that i'm off to honduras !
on sunday the notebook that i plan to make my commonplace book gets here so i'm really excited about that ..
and i've been reading the waves by virginia woolf and don quixote 
donqui is a tough read to get through so far , but i'm too attached to stop
and the waves is very good so far . found myself running errands today
while thinking about the characters , haha !
i began collecting vinyls as well , but i have no way to play them !
i only have around 50 dollars to spend , so it's either some computer gear
or clothes . for anyone that cares , i did eventually get my weed but
i burnt through it all a few weeks ago ... i'm not too upset about it .
i've been getting back into writing , but it's not as natural as before
i'm  hoping with all the new media i've been consuming i'll speak
a little more poetically in my normal speech . but one can only hope !
the wife is asking for my dreamwidth ... only god knows if i'll give it to her
befoooore i forget
i need to brush up on my spanish and english summer homework
before school starts

i'm so tired. have a math test tomorrow i didn't know about and i broke my led lights last night.
but i bought like double the length so my room will be even brighter.. been planning to put
some in my closet so that i can put some blankets in there and read or something.

one of the bouncy balls my girlfriend had given me this monday got lost
in the street. it was my fault though... drew about it on my english teachers
board. a little memorial, i guess.
i wish kaz would let me pay
for more stuff for her... i only don't let her do it for me because she can't
afford it. but i can. it's okay though cause i do it anyways and i
just don't tell her. setting up the leds tonight.

i really 
need to buy new clothes and i'm like mad broke rn. 
it's okay though cause i'm getting money soon anyways
oh yea before i forget i went to the library yesterday.
planning to go next week.. the tutoring lie worked ha ha haa

weekly posts are hard. i'll do whatever i want !! i still haven't gotten my weed. it's okay though; not like i'm meant to be using anyways. i have a few packages arriving next week. it has kaz's birthday gift which is friday. she's coming over for a sleepover the 11th. i'm really excited !! i need to buy more clothes. and finish my overdue work.. both for school and work work... dog on my desk. calling my gf

shame burned into my pillow
last night. deafeningly lurch
i dug up my shouldn'ts
and can nots
and crammed them
into a dew sweet hazed
cabinet labeled:
getting over it